Reading Twilight

I really am still reading Twilight. And slowly, due to the note-taking. My current hypothesis is that the faster you read this book, the more likely you are to like it. If you slow down, you actually have time to think about it, and it comes out sounding like Alanis Morissette covering "My Humps."



It's only an hypothesis, based on one bad song and the fact that I'm pretty sure I could blow through this terribly long novel in the space of a day or two if that was my goal. It would probably be better that way. But I'm prolonging the agony for the sake of my two or three readers, all of whom are friends who warned me about this book's level of awful. (Willow's right. I'm a masochist.)

So without further ado, here are my...

Reading notes for Chapter 9 ("Theory") of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight:

• Edward knows your scent, Bella.
• This just gets better and better.
• Bella's mind doesn't work normally?
• No way.
• Edward drives too fast.
• Bella asks Edward about vampires.
• She doesn't care if Edward's a vampire.
• For some reason I start wondering if there's a necrophilia angle to this.
• I've never wondered that before.
• Why?
• "Vegetarian" vampire idea starts here.
• Edward worries about Bella when he's away from her.
• He also worries about her when he's with her.
• Edward worries about Bella all. The. Time.
• Obsessed much?
• This has been covered in previous chapters.
• Bella? Crying? Will wonders never cease...
• Edward gets Bella home.
• He warns her not to go into the woods alone.
• Meaning she inevitably will at some point.
• Mundane details, blah, blah, blah...
• And we end on the paragraph that's on the back cover of this book.

Janet Lives!

So Marvel recently killed 616!Wasp. It wasn't exactly what you'd call an heroic death. I'm still hoping that I connected the dots correctly, and that Jan'll be back with a new mantle (Hank has her old one, right?) and new explosive powers and... At any rate, I'm disappointed, but what can you do, right?

And even more recently, Marvel offed Ultimate!Jan in the pages of Ultimatum. This (which you'd be wise not to click, but you will anyway) is just wrong. Count the levels! (Thanks to Kalinara for that link, by the way.)

Now, I can't get up in arms about this sort of thing. I've tried. Seriously. A fictional character, one I rather care about, has been stuffed into a miniature Maytag (twice!) and all I can think is that, well, at least she's alive and well in the Marvel Adventures Universe. Which is the Marvelverse that really ought to Count. From here on in, I'll call it the "Yayverse."

See? Yay!Jan is defending Earth against alien invaders in Marvel Adventures the Avengers #26. As Giant Girl, not Wasp, but still.

And she's having a casual lunch with Yay!Ororo in Marvel Adventures The Avengers #30. This issue also introduces Yay!Tigra, and she's treated well. It's awesome.

We even get to see prepowered Yay!Jan in Marvel Adventures Super Heroes #6. Her primary role is to cheer up Yay!Hank.

Yay!Hank needs a lot of cheering up, and that's because he's him. It's not just because of this guy:

Yes! It's Yay!Psycho Man.

Don't get me wrong. Marvel 616 can be a whole lot of fun, and Ultimate Marvel... Well, Ultimate Fantastic Four is an important title to me, and it's better right now than it has been in a long while. It's just that Yayverse titles are the ones I consistently look forward to reading. They are also the ones that consistently deliver fun. And they don't have to kill heroes (or villains) to do it.

Reading Twilight

Reading notes for Chapter 8 ("Port Angeles") of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight:

• High school girls apparently talk about boys to the exclusion of all else.
• And there is drama.
• Boy-related drama.
• Mundane details aplenty.
• So... Let's talk about Cullens!
• The Cullens "go backpacking all the time".
• The mystery deepens.
• No, Bella, the new age bookstore is the one you want. Idiot.
• (Can't go wrong with a new age bookstore in urban fantasy, right?)
  
• A silver Volvo in Port Angeles! Oh noes!
• A scary group of strong men following Bella! Oh noes!
• More scary guys. Triple oh noes!
• Edward swoops in to the rescue!
• Edward fears his temper.
• Edward takes Bella to dinner.
• At an Italian restaurant.
• So I guess garlic isn't an issue.
• Ohh, Edward, you really shouldn't dazzle people so.
• Ohh, Edward, you are so muscular.
• Bella is a "magnet for trouble".
• Duh.
• Meyer has to spell out everything in simple terms.
• That's kind of insulting.
• Edward's stalking Bella, but that's totally okay with her.
• He's mentally stalking her, even.
• Creepy.
• Edward is emo.
• Creepy and emo.
• Dangerous, creepy and emo.
• Don't leave me alone, Bella, or I will kill someone.
• If you don't leave me alone, I may kill you.
• Decisions, decisions.
• After (Bella eats) dinner, they go back to the Volvo, and that's it for Chapter 8.

Reading Twilight

Reading notes for Chapter 7 ("Nightmare") of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight:

• Bad dream involving a werewolf fighting a vampire.
• It was probably inevitable.
• Okay, I swear, I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW every single blessed detail about what Bella does while she waits for her modem to dial.
• Talk about padding the page count.
• Is the whole book gonna be like this?
• Yes. Pop-up windows are the bane of the internet user. I get it.
• Vampire research time for Bella!
• Bella's research fails. Time for her to take a walk!
• How long is this chapter again?
• Seriously?
• Damn.
• "Could the Cullens be vampires?"
• That question appears on page 138.
• Bella doesn't know.
• Of course, I do
• I saw the movie trailer.
• Bella does homework.
• Charlie gets home.
• Bella goes to bed.
• Another day dawns. It is sunny.
• School time!
• Bella writes a paper on Shakespeare and misogyny.
• I wonder what she concludes.
• I wonder whether it's ironic or appropriate.
• What? No Cullens?
• Bella can't keep her mind on anything.
• Well, except for getting her homework done.
• 'Cause she's a model student.
• Of course.
• Bella does not trust her sheriff dad to feed himself.
• Because adults are useless, I suppose.
• Time to go dress shopping with the girls!
• End of chapter.

Reading Twilight

Reading notes for Chapter 6 ("Scary Stories") of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight:

• Yes, Forks students, by all means tease Bella about the fainting spell.
• Ohh, Edward, where are you?
• Bella has an enemy. A blonde enemy.
• Time to go to the beach! And it's sunny!
• Pretty beach.
• Mike is a nice boy, Bella, you idiot.
• Dare you defy Edward and brave the tide pools???
• Sure. Better than braving evil blonde Lauren.
• Geez. I'm not exactly graceful, but even I don't fall all the damned time.
• Not even in the woods.
• Maybe Bella has an undiagnosed neurological condition.
• That would explain some things.
• Native Americans join the party!
• Another boy, Jacob, notices Bella.
• That makes... Five now?
• Well, five that are named.
• Jacob is pretty.
• And he's a mechanic.
• And he's a story-teller.
• A good one.
• Bella gets a scary vampire story.
• It's clearly an important plot point.
• And she gets a new friend.
• It starts to rain just in time for the beach party to leave.

Reading Twilight

Reading notes for Chapter 5 ("Blood Type") of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight:

• Edward is beautiful.
• Gush, gush.
• Bella's not smart, Edward.
• She's not gonna avoid you.
• She wants to gaze into your "deep gold eyes".
• Ohh, Edward, are you... Spider-Man?
• No?
• How about Superboy?
• No.
• Edward's... dangerous.
• Ooh.
• He's an ass, Bella. Stay away from Edward!
• (She's not staying away from Edward.)
• A micro-lancet! Oh noes!
• There is blood. It is time for Bella to faint.
• Is it even legal to do the blood type test in a public school?
• Or is it just a liability issue?
• My high school didn't allow it.
• Edward steals Bella away from Mike and carries her to the nurse's office.
• He. Carries. Her.
• Edward and Mike: Bitter rivals.
• But Mike doesn't have a voice "like melting honey".
• He can't possibly win.
• Pushy Edward.
• Not healthy, Bella.
• Just remember, no means no.
• When and if the time comes, I mean.
• Seriously, Bella.
• Yes, he's pretty.
• But he's moody, pushy, and over-protective.
• And he's a jerk.
• Not worth it.
• You are not being adult about this.
• Not that adults don't fall into potentially abusive relationships, too.
• But are adults being adult when they do?
• Okay, right, back to the dreck.
• Bella's planning to go on a beach trip.
• Edward's going camping with his family.
• Blah, blah, end of Chapter 5.

Reading Twilight

Reading notes for Chapter 4 ("Invitations") of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight:

• Dream of Edward.
• Bella's not used to being the center of attention by now?
• That's it, Tyler. Grovel. Good boy.
• Edward's being all weird again.
• School dance? Oh noes!
• Bella can't dance!
• So she'll... go to Seattle.
• Excuses, excuses.
• Make up your gorram mind, Edward.
• Bella drops her books.
• Edward picks them up for her.
• Bella drops her keys.
• Edward picks them up for her.
• Bella falls down a lot in Gym.
• Tyler asks Bella to the dance.
• So does Eric. And Mike.
• Gawd.
• You're right, Bella. You're not interesting.
• But this is the "Twilight Zone".
• Apologies to Rod Serling.
• Fretful sheriff.
• We know where his daughter gets it.
• Or maybe he's wise.
• But probably not. Parents are useless.
• And Charlie seems a little slow. Idiocy runs in families?
• Don't do it Bella.
• Don't say "yes".
• Don't open that door.
• Bella, you idiot.

Reading Twilight

Reading notes for Chapter 3 ("Phenomenon") of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight:

• Forks is icy. Oh noes!
• Better be extra-careful, Bella.
• Remember: You're a klutz.
• Why do the boys of Forks like Bella?
• I don't understand.
• Oh, hey, snow chains. Good idea, Charlie.
• Out-of-control van! Oh noes!
• Edward is Bella's hero.
• He's so pretty and golden-eyed and mysterious.
• How'd he do that?
• Deny, deny, deny.
• Dr. Cullen is pretty, too.
• I bet Tyler becomes a Bella hanger-on.
• Maybe he'll give her chocolates.
• Or something.
• Bella doesn't like lying.
• Charlie's daughter is involved in a car accident, and he feels guilty about telling her mother?
• WTF?
• Adults are useless.

Inspiration

This needed doing...


Panel from She-Hulk: Cosmic Collision.

Still reading Twilight...

The second chapter ("Open Book") of Twilight by Stephanie Meyer, is about as slow as the first. Hopefully things will pick up a bit, but right now this is decompressed storytelling in novel form. And this is what I've learned:

• Mike and Eric are totally sweet on Bella.
• Bella remembers people now!
• Edward is not in school.
• Bella is worried.
• Bella's parents are useless.
• Bella's already studied this stuff.
• So school is kinda useless, too.
• Also, she can't play volleyball.
  
• Neither can I, so I guess I sympathize.
  
• Dad likes the Cullens. He gets vocal about that.
• I don't think snow works like that.
• Not when it's warm enough for rain as well.
• How would enough accumulate in the space of a high school class period?
• Well, maybe Washington snow is different than Michigan snow.
• Whatever. I'm not a climatologist. Moving on.
• Edward comes back to school.
• Bella is worried.
• Ooh, Edward is flawlessly beautiful.
• With a musical voice.
• And golden eyes.
• And his touch is electric.
• OMG.
• And he's smart, too!
• But strangely tense sometimes.
• Also, adults are useless.
• Annnd... Previous question answered: FlakeMom remarried, so Bella moved to Forks so FlakeMom could spend more time with Stepdad.
• Martyr.

Please, by the gods of urban fantasy, let there be villains or werewolves or something in Chapter 3.

Death and Dumb

It's not worth going into my thoughts about Marvel's Secret Invasion, except to say that I am disappointed and will absolutely continue to seek refuge in the Marvel Adventures universe, where characters don't get killed off. For any reason. Paul Tobin may well be a better writer than Mark Millar and Brian Michael Bendis combined, as measured in Fun Stories Written.

But... enough about that. Let's move on to Stephanie Meyer.

I decided to read Twilight, just to see first-hand what all the fuss is about. I have to admit, I went in predisposed to dislike the thing (I've been reading funny internet critiques, you see, thank you Willow), and... well... Prophesy fulfilled. Granted, I've only read the prologue, and the first chapter, so things may change. But I'm not counting on it, because this is "First Sight" (i.e., Chapter 1) summarized:

• Mom's a flake.
• Dad's monosyllabic.
• Bella's really pale.
• She's also a klutz.
• With a really loud truck.
• And all the boys are drawn to her.
• Except Edward Cullen.
• Who is even paler than Bella.
• And who seems to hate her.
• Which might make him the only sane person in Forks.
• Which is a terribly rainy place.
• Bella misses the sun.
• So why'd she move away from Arizona, again?
• Maybe I'll learn that next chapter.

On a brighter note, MaryJanice Davidson's Fish out of Water, a three-hour read of mindless, crude romantic comedy fluff (think mermaid sitcom on cable), was worth the read. Davidson won't be winning a Pulitzer any time soon, but I somehow doubt that's her goal. The Fred the Mermaid trilogy is probably to Twilight as the Marvel Adventures line is to anything written by Bendis or Millar. (It's a fun versus not fun thing.)

Right. Back to attempting to study now.